


Look at where you are, Look at where you started

by IraBragi



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Backstory, First Kiss, Getting Together, LGBT discrimination, M/M, Queer Themes, Trans Character, warning: brief mention of sexual assault to a minor character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 15:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6571153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IraBragi/pseuds/IraBragi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is more to Danny's past than meets the eye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Look at where you are, Look at where you started

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This story includes discussion and descriptions of the discrimination, verbal, and physical abuse that a transgender character has faced. There are mentions of substance abuse and a teen being kicked out by their parents as well as a reference to a lesbian character being sexually assaulted. I promise that the story has a happy ending, but if any of this will trigger you please don't read! 
> 
> Also: I do not own any of the characters. The title of the story is a reference to the song “That would be enough” from Hamilton. I don't own that either.

     When Danny imagined kissing Steve he always pictured it happening after a shootout. Steve would do something stupid and one of them would have almost died. Adrenaline, fear, and relief at being alive would have one of them pushing the other against the wall of some alley. In the daydream they kissed like they were drowning and then it would fade to black. It was bad enough to fantasize about kissing your partner but if Danny let his mind wander further than that – Steve holding him, waking up next to him, making breakfast together, raising Grace and growing old together – he was sure that he would loose whatever was left of his sanity. Steve was straight, Steve didn't know, and Danny had lost too many people to survive having his heart ripped out again.  
     This was different than in his daydreams.  
     He and Grace had spent the day with Steve and Danny had finally relented and allowed Steve to teach Grace to surf. He had stayed on the beach most of the day, enjoying watching the two of them, but eventually Steve and Grace's combined puppy dog eyes had won and he had gotten in the water with them. A splash fight ensued with Steve and Grace teaming up against him, much to his protests that it was an unfair advantage. Then Steve had come up behind him all sneaky-SEAL and made a grab at his shirt, trying to pull it up over his head. Danny flailed and only just overrode the ingrained response to swing at him, “The hell McGarrett, what was that!?”  
     Steve gave him a lazy smile, one that always made Danny melt, and shamelessly replied “Just trying to even the playing field. You're never going to win with that shirt dragging you down.”  
Unfortunately it's hard to melt when your heart is stopped from sheer terror. “Well don't!” he snapped, “Come on Grace, it's time to go home.” Both Grace and Steve gave him confused looks as he stormed out of the water.  
     He had to take Grace home earlier than usual that evening because she had some thing with Rachel and step-Stan early the next day. He had been pissed but Rachel had promised him and extra day next week, so he let it slide. After dropping Grace off he went back to his apartment still feeling wound up and antsy. Eventually he settled on the couch with a beer and started flipping through the channels looking for something mindless. He was almost calm again when he heard a knock at the door. Grumbling he got up, only to find Steve pacing in front of his door.  
     When he opened the door Steve pushed his way into the apartment and just stared at Danny for a long minute. Finally he spoke, “I'm really sorry about earlier. I'm bad at this and I shouldn't have, not like that, not in font of Grace.”  
     Most people in Danny's life would tell you that it's impossible to stun him silence but Steve's words managed to do just that. Apparently taking his silence as a sign to go on Steve continued. “If... if I'm wrong tell me and I swear I'll never mention it again.” And then they were kissing.  
     It was so much better than in his daydreams. Steve's mouth was on his and he brought one hand up against Danny's cheek while the other rested against his back. It was Danny's tongue that darted forward and then Steve melted against him with a little moan that was definitely the hottest thing that Danny had ever heard. It was perfect, right up until the moment Danny's brain came back online and reality crashed into him like an ocean wave. Panicked, he brought his hands up between them pushing Steve away.  
     “No, I can't. I'm sorry.” Steve looked confused then stricken and Danny couldn’t stand to stay there one more second. Grabbing his keys, he pushed past Steve and didn't look back.  
     The Camaro drove without any conscious though from him, and Danny found himself at the little strip of beach where he had taken Grace that day he decided he would fight Rachel for custody. He wasn't sure how long he walked the beach, listening to the waves and remember things he would rather keep locked away.

     When Danny had been trying to get through to Eric and told him about his father sitting him down and telling him to make something out of his life he had only told half of the story. It was true that the time between high school and when he had joined the force had been aimless and self destructive, but it was not the academy that had straightened him out.  
     Daniel Williams had been born Danielle Rose Williams. She had always been a tomboy, fighting with her mother about wearing dresses and scrapping with neighborhood boys twice her size. The first three times she cut her hair off (“Short like Matt's!” she had said as if that explained everything) her parents had punished her. After that they gave up trying.  
     Back then “transgender” was not a word that people had heard of. There were queers and men who dressed as women, but they were considered sick. Danny's parents simply hoped that their daughter grew past this phase and turned out normal. High school was hell for him even though he did eventually grow his hair out and tried to act like a girl. Danny was pretty sure his mother cried with relief the first time he went out with a boy. To her, it was proof that her daughter was not a dyke, not a pervert destined to fail.  
     He found he didn't mind boys themselves but he sure as hell didn't like how they treated him. He was too loud, too feisty, too ready to punch any boy who though that someone as weird and unpopular as Danielle “that freak” Williams would let them get away with taking liberties.  
     By sophomore year he was drinking more than he should and wasn't a stranger to drugs. He scraped through his classes mostly because his parents made it very clear that they would kick him out if he failed. It was sheer dumb luck that a couple of friends dragged him along to a college pride event the year he was a senior in high school. They had been going to buy drugs from one of the college kids, but Danny found something else entirely. There were a couple of butch lesbians there and, after the meeting was over, he somehow got the courage to talk to one of them. He asked if they also wished that they were born as boys. One girl laughed and told him he needed to go talk to Rob.  
     Rob was short, wore a leather jacket, and had a mouth that never shut up. Looking back, Danny wondered where he would have ended up if Rob hadn't taken him under his wing. That day Danny didn't score any drugs but he went home with something far more dangerous: the knowledge that there were others like him. He also learned that there was something he could do about it, a miracle drug known as T that would turn him into a man like Rob.  
     As usual it was his big mouth that was his undoing. The fight was epic and at the end Danny found himself sleeping in a friend's garage wondering what he was going to do now. The next year was the darkest time of his life. He worked odd jobs and was rarely sober. He didn’t have to worry about men ogling his breasts on the street anymore because he had lost so much weight that you couldn't see them.  
     One day, his father found him in the apartment he and several other kids were sharing. Sitting on the only chair in the whole place he looked Danny in the eye and told him that he needed to get his life on track. “You are worth more than this, if that means you need to” here his father's voice hitched and nearly broke, “...change yourself, then do it. I don't want to have to bury you.” With that, he got up and left. Next Sunday Danny showed up for dinner and asked his family to call him Daniel. His sisters informed him that Danny fit him better and he thought that he could live with that.  
     His parents were grateful enough that he was sober and trying that they helped him get into college. He worked his ass off, studying and working two part time jobs trying to pay for transition. He started testosterone then scraped the money together for surgery to remove his breasts. He had always wanted to be a cop as a kid so it just made sense to join the force after college. At that point he passed as a man pretty well but he severely underestimated what it would be like on a force where his family and past were common knowledge.  
     Danny learned to be loud and wave his hands to be heard. He learned to take any insult or punch thrown and give back as good as he got. He still wasn't sure how he got promoted to detective. He always wondered if his father had spoken to some of his old buddies or maybe the powers-that-be just wanted him out of the way and thought they could keep him behind a desk.  
     Grace was out a partner after she filed charges against her last one for sexual harassment. She already got enough flack for being a lesbian but pressing charges against a fellow cop was ten times worse. It got so bad that her bosses made her transfer precincts, supposedly for her own safety (Danny was sure that it had _nothing_ to do with the fact that having a double minority, female cop assaulted by New Jersey’s finest would make for bad press). When she walked up to Danny's desk and dumped a box of stuff down he had looked up and drawled “So who did you piss off to get stuck with the resident freak?”  
     Grace was a woman with a fire in her. She didn't care what people said behind her back, or to her face, she was a cop and she would show every last one of them that she was damm good at her job. For the first time Danny found himself working with someone who really didn't care what his name used to be or what was in his pants, only if he could do the job. They made a hell of a team.  
     Then he met Rachel and fell in love. He was terrified of telling her his secret but shockingly Rachel didn't seem to care. It was enough for him to put her on a pedestal, to ignore all the warning signs that their marriage was destined to fail. He had filed to change his birth certificate marker to “male” so they were legally able to marry. When they decided to have a child they used his eggs and a sperm donor so Rachel could carry Grace.  
     When the divorce happened it gutted Danny. He had put everything he was into his two loves, his family and being a cop. He was just beginning to believe that he had put his past behind him – he had a beautiful wife and daughter, and most of the cops he worked with gave him a grudging respect. Then Rachel looked him in the eye and spat that she wanted to be with a real man.  
     The divorce and custody battle were ugly, but strangely Rachel never brought up that he was transgender. Danny always though that maybe she was too ashamed to admit that she had married a freak. It ended with him uprooting his life and moving to a place where sand and pineapples seemed to be the only pizza toppings allowed.

     “Danny” the quiet voice shattered his thoughts and brought him back to the present. Steve was standing there, looking impossibly handsome and utterly exhausted in the moonlight, and Danny's heart lurched.  
     “How did you find me? I don't have my phone on me to track.” He found he didn't have the energy to yell, so he sat down on low wall that separated the beach from the road.  
     “I didn't need to track your phone. I know you Danno.” It didn't surprise him that Steve knew where he would go. It seemed like the man knew everything else about him, everything except the one secret that would make Steve hate him, not to mention never want to kiss him again.

     Danny had not set out to hide that he was trans from the Five-O team. He had actually always assumed that they would find out in pretty short order. HR and his bosses at HPD had known, but things were different from back when he had started out in New Jersey. They were afraid enough of a lawsuit, and he passed well enough, that it had never become common knowledge. All his paperwork said “male” and it wasn't that hard to hide his past. Sure he got flack for being a haole and a general asshole, but compared to what he was used to it hardly registered. Then Commander Steve McGarrett walked into his crime scene and suddenly he had a new job.  
     With all the resources available to his new boss (the man could reroute satellites, for christ sake) Danny had figured it was only a matter of time until Steve found out. He waited tensely for the inevitable, for Steve to fire him, or punch him, or tell him that he would never be Grace's real father (that had been what Rachel's mom had told him. The fact that Rachel hadn’t defended him should have been a warning). But it didn't happened.  
     Kono made some crack that she was only on the team to be the token girl and Steve had laughed and retorted that no one as good with a sniper rifle as she was would ever be a token. No one even glanced at Danny. Slowly he relaxed. He still assumed that Steve knew, and Chin went far enough back with HPD that it wouldn't surprise him if he was aware as well. But he began to hope that maybe, just this once, it wouldn't matter.  
     He might be stuck on an island where the national food was pineapple, with a partner who thought he was bullet proof, but more and more Danny found himself happy. In Danny's experience being happy was never a thing that lasted long. So he bitched and argued and waited for things to go wrong.  
     Then Steve had dragged him on a stupid hike and managed to break his arm playing GI Joe. (Seriously, who actually splints their arm with duck tape and a stick?) Danny had signed “I love you” to him as he got airlifted away. He had done it without thinking, it was a gesture he used to make to Rachel all the time. He would get in his car to drive to work and she would stand at the window watching him. He would smile and sign “I love you” and she would wave back.  
     Danny hadn't been with a guy since he transitioned, and hadn’t been with anyone at all since Rachel, but there was no denying that Steve McGarett was a good looking man. It wasn't just his looks that attracted Danny though. Steve might be a super SEAL neanderthal, but he could also be kind and gentle. He hid it well, but he cared deeply and would move heaven and earth to protect his family. He respected Danny as a father and seamlessly became a part of Grace's life. When Danny had ended up in the hospital with sarin poisoning it had been Steve who remembered Grace, and brought her to see him.  
     It wasn't until the day with the bomb that Danny realized that he was _in love_ with his partner. One minute he had been telling Steve about his old case and the next he was stuck next to a bomb that was ticking down. Steve, stubborn bastard that he was, wouldn't leave. He had told Steve to leave, even yelled at him that he needed someone to take care of Grace (and if the fact that he trusted Steve to watch over Grace after he was gone wasn't a damm clue, then he didn't know what was). But Steve just kept him talking and then, after the bomb was disarmed, hugged him like his life depended on it.  
     At that point Danny realized that he had no clue if Steve actually knew his secret or not. It's not like Danny could say “Oh by the way you do know I'm not normal right?” Either Steve did know and was too embarrassed to bring it up, or he didn't and would be furious not only that he was trans, but also that he hid it for so long. Either way Danny lost.

     “Look, I know I said I would leave, but you kissed me back. So tell me, why not?” Steve had almost not come. Earlier when they were swimming, he had been trying (admittedly not very well) to flirt. Danny had shut down, but Steve didn't know if it was because of what he had done, or the fact that Grace was there, or if Danny just didn't want him. He had been so afraid that he had read the situation all wrong and Danny really didn't feel anything more for him than a friend.  
     That was how he ended up at Danny's doorstep that evening, somehow more terrified than he had ever been in a firefight. He was determined to find out if he had a chance or if he was about to lose his best friend (and probably get sued for sexual harassment, God, he could just imagine how that conversation with the Governor would go). Then Danny had kissed him back. Everything in his world had fallen into place for one perfect moment, then just as quickly broken apart when Danny pushed him away.  
     After Danny ran Steve had sat on his sofa for a long time, too stunned to move and trying to will his heart to stop breaking. After it was clear that it wasn't working he had tried to figure out where Danny would go. It occurred to him that maybe he should honor what he said earlier and let it go, but Danny _had_ kissed him back and Steve wanted to know what scared him off.

     Danny's laugh was bitter, “I knew you wouldn't just let it go McGarett. It's not in you.”  
     “It is because we are guys?” Steve asked, jumping to the most obvious thing. Danny almost nodded. He almost took the easy way out, and agreed that it was being gay that was the problem, but he couldn't. He wanted to believe that that he could trust someone, and if he couldn't trust Steve then Danny figured there really wasn't anyone on earth that he could.  
     “No Steve, it's not because we are guys.”  
     “Then what?”  
     “You aren't the only one who has secrets, Mr. 'It's Classified'.”  If possible, Steve looked more confused than before then, slowly, he put two and two together. “You think I don't know about your past.”  
     “If by past you mean that was born wrong, that I'm transgender, or a freak, or any of the other names I've been called, yeah. I assumed you didn't know because, you know, you never said a damm thing about it! In my experience, when people know they have something to say about it. How long have you known anyway?”  
     “Right after the indecent with the bomb.”

     Finding out had honestly been an accident. Danny had talked about his late partner Grace and Steve had dug a little to find out more about her. It hadn't taken much to find out that Grace had gotten the short end of the stick and somehow still made a name for herself as a solid cop. DADT may have only been a law for the military but it's effects were heard loud and clear in the police world as well. Grace had bucked that and then had the balls to go after her first partner for sexual harassment. Reading between the lines it sounded less like a case of sexual harassment and more like she had been assaulted, repeatedly, by the person who was supposed to have her back. It made Steve sick. Then he noticed a note about the decision to pair her with another female officer and Danny's name. He used some of the computer skills that Chin had taught him and pulled more of Danny's files when he started noticing a pattern of inconsistencies.

     “I ended up calling your old lieutenant, not to spy on you, I swear! I guess I just didn't think it through and he confirmed what I had suspected.”  Danny winced at that. He knew exactly what the man would have said. This was the cop who had often joked that, “One freak and one dyke, you two should be in vice. You would fit right in with the perps.” He and Grace had a running list of creative things that they could use to cut the man's balls off. Sometimes dark humor is the only kind that keeps you sane.

     Once he spoke to Danny's ex boss (and it was a good thing that the man was a thirteen hour plane ride away, or he really didn't think he could have stopped himself from killing the man after hearing how he talked about Danny) Steve didn't know how to bring what he learned up to Danny. It was obvious that Danny did not want anyone to know about his past and he could only see this snooping as a breach of trust. You had your partner’s back, you sure as hell didn't investigate them.  
     Steve had been attracted to Danny from the beginning of their partnership but he had always assumed that the other man was straight. It wasn't until the day he broke his arm and Danny signed “I love you” to him that he began to hope that the attraction was mutual. But after that nothing changed and Steve didn't want to risk the best partnership and friend he had ever had on the chance he was wrong.  
     Once he found out that Danny was trans it became even more complicated. If he made a move on Danny it would force him to reveal his secret. Danny would also find out that Steve had broken his trust. Even worse, Steve was still technically Danny's boss (even if no one who listened to Danny yell at him would ever believe it) and it was clear that Danny had a history of bosses who held his identity against him. Steve hoped that Danny knew him well enough to know that he would never do that, but he still didn't want to put Danny in a position of wondering if he would be discriminated against for who he was.  
     Ultimately, it was his rescue from North Korea that made Steve decide. Even with all the risk, he needed to tell Danny how he felt. As a SEAL he had accepted that his life could end suddenly and he was at peace with that fact. When he joined the Navy he didn't have any close family other than Mary and his father, and he knew that both of them would be just fine without him. But bruised and shackled in a bunker somewhere in North Korea all he could think about was Danny. He wondered who would teach Grace to surf, and how Danny would cope with never knowing what happened to him. Then the cavalry arrived, he was in a helicopter, and all he could see was Danny, grinning like a loon and patting his shoulder like he couldn't quite believe that Steve was really there.

     “Look, I never mentioned it because it's no ones business and it doesn’t matter anyway. Seriously, no one with half a brain would care. You are a fine cop and an asset to the team. As far as me loving you, well, I did before I knew and I still do now.” Steve looked at Danny, and to his surprise the other man had tears in his eyes.  
     “It mattered to Meka. Did you ever wonder why I was all by myself that day you barged in and started messing with my crime scene?” Danny paused then pushed on, “I got drunk and stupid and told him. I though that he was my friend. Seriously, he had been like a brother to me since me and my New Jersey attitude landed on this island. So I thought, what the hell, I can trust him. He didn't take it well. Got all weird and started started pulling away. I thought that it might be the stress from the IA investigation, but when he began making excuses for why I couldn't come over and visit his family, I knew.”  
     “Oh” Steve wanted to say so much more. He wanted to promise that he was different, that he would never do that, but he had no idea how to put that into words. Most of all he wanted to kiss Danny until he was smiling again. To make him forget all the horrible things he had been through, and make up for all the people who were too stupid to see the amazing man sitting next to him. “I'm sorry.”  
     Danny wondered if Steve was apologizing for what happened with Meka, or for kissing him, or for everything in general. Despite everything, there was a weird comfort in knowing that Steve had apparently know for months now and it hadn't changed anything between them. He was still the same annoying super SEAL who didn’t believe in calling for backup and actually chose to spend his weekends with him and Grace.  
     “I always expected that you would find out. You are a detective for goodness sakes. I guess I just thought that it would change something when you did. Then everything was actually going well, I mean other than the way you try wrap my car around a tree every other day and regularly do your best to get me shot. I just didn't want to say something and have it all disappear.”  
     “Well I'm not going to disappear on you not ever” and then, taking a chance, Steve reached forward and pulled Danny to him. “Danno?” he asked, trying to communicate everything through that one word. Danny seemed to understand because the next moment he was kissing Steve like he was drowning and Steve was air, and Steve was kissing him back just as urgently.  
     Eventually they broke apart, and Steve tugged him towards the car. “Come on Danno, lets go home.” Danny's head snapped up and Steve hated that he saw a flash of worry on his face. He wanted to pound every person who had ever hurt Danny, _his Danny,_ into ground until they stopped getting back up. Then kick them a few more times for good measure.  
     Pulling Danny in for another kiss he hurried to clarify, “I don't know about you but I'm dead tired. We can crash at my place and then go from there in the morning. Sound good to you?” Danny nodded, and handed over the keys without Steve having to pick his pocket. Steve was pretty sure that that was the same as saying I love you.

Epilogue:

     When Steve woke up the next morning, the first thing he noticed was the mop of blond hair tucked under his chin.  
     When they had gotten back to his house, he had lead Danny upstairs and tossed a tshirt at him. It didn't escape him that Danny went into the bathroom to change, but when he came out he was wearing Steve's Navy shirt (a look that Steve hoped would be repeated often over, say, the rest of his life) and they had crawled into bed together. Steve had been trying to give him space but it seemed like his brain had nixed that idea while asleep and now they were spooning with his arm wrapped across Danny's chest. He never wanted to let go.  
    The regular breathing coming from beside him told Steve that Danny was still asleep. This was usually the time that Steve would go swim, but today he had no intention of moving. Eventually Danny started to stir awake. Steve momentarily worried that Danny would freak out, but instead he was treated a sleepy smile.  
     “Well, I guess that answers the question of weather this all was a weird dream or not” Danny commented.  
     “Well I would hope it's not a nightmare” Steve joked back.  
     “Nope, definitely not a nightmare” Danny pulled Steve's arm tighter around him. “I want malasadas for breakfast. You know, when it's actually a reasonable hour to wake up” and with that he dozed back off. Steve smiled as he watched is partner sleep.


End file.
